Original Tip #25 - Do not lay, sleep, or have sex on bloody mattresses.

First of all, let's get this out of the way - eeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!! - Second, studies have shown that blood & gore on mattresses do not correlate well with restful sleep, and most chicks won't dig mangled human spilth as an aphrodisiac. But hell, if you come across a nastified mattress and your honest first instinct is to either lay down or bump uglies on it, then you might as well do so, because you are bound to die a torturous and gruesome death.

Original Tip #24 - Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear they would break easily.

This one is similar to the previous rule, but perhaps less obvious to the (tragically lame) horror movie character. Extreme paranoia is the only way to survive a horror movie. Remember: just because you're paranoid doesn't mean They're not out to get you. Be mindful that movie windows break too easily (silly candy glass), and horror movie characters near windows become victims and die too easily (silly small-type extras). Don't be that stereotype.

Original Tip #23 - Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.


In the real world, things that are dead usually stay dead. In a horror movie, however, you can't make that assumption. In fact, to survive a horror movie, you must assume the opposite. Just like in soap operas, people never truly die in horror movies (unless the sequel gets caught in post-production litigation, perhaps). Therefore, only a foolish character would carry herself anywhere near a depository for the supposedly reposed.

Original Tip #22 - Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal / suicidal nightmares.

"One, two, Freddy's coming for you..." It's a chilling rhyme, the first time you hear it - but not so much any more. We're all for the occasional sequel, but come on! We are merely suggesting that perhaps Freddy jumped the shark, then went back and taunted it for a second time. For us, it was the dream within a dream thing that kept it somewhat interesting. But Freddy's dead, we hope. And no, we're not being spiteful just because of Scream. Honest.

Original Tip #21 - As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

This has proven to be true on more than one level (philosophical levels I'm talking here, not Hell levels). Literally, the reference is to the Hellraiser movies, Clive Barker's story about hell-eportation via puzzle solving, sad0-mas0chistic t0rture deaths, and acupuncture gone horribly wrong.

In the more abstract sense, however, this tip has apparently hit an altruistic nerve. If you don't believe us, Google the phrase. Many people feel that this bit of wisdom should be followed in every day life, not just by horror movie characters. We did not originally intend to be so meaningful, but we'll take any attention we can get.

Original Tip #20 - If you've just finished running over the maniac/ spirit/ demon/ creature (MSDC) in your car, keep going. Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car to see if he/she/it's really dead.

This is a tragic mistake that has become a cliche. Why do you care if it's dead or not? If it really is dead, congratulations, you've done something that very few horror movie characters have ever done. You've turned a horrific baddie into a traffic statistic.

If not, and you go check to make certain, bye bye to you.

So run the thing down, and then get away. Far, far away. The only reason that you should give up this advantage is if the vehicle is the MSDC.

Original Tip #19 - If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

Do you see dead people? People you know? As upsetting as that may be, keep in mind that you are in a horror movie, and your own life is at stake, along with your chances to come back in the sequel. So shed a tear, but do it on the run, or you may end up shedding more than you want to.

Original Tip #18 - If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon and as quickly as possible.

A demonic possession can seriously strain the best of relationships. If you have taken Tip #13 to heart, however, you know never to believe that companions have become dispossessed. So, at the first sign of a corporeal takeover, head for the hills, unless you have the situation well in hand.

Original Tip #17 - Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

Never mind horror movies. Do this in real life too, unless your car is so small that the laws of physics make this unnecessary. How many times have you driven your car around, unknowingly carting around a backseat full of invisible hovering ninja mimes? You don't know, do you?

Original Tip #16 - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go it alone!!!

This tip cannot be stressed enough. This one also happens to have been mentioned in the Scream movies, which (some have suggested) borrow heavily from the underyling concepts of the original Horror Movie Survival Tips that were posted so long ago on Usenet. We won't judge them. Sure, they have made millions of dollars and royalties incalculable. But hey, we're not bitter. Besides, if enough people read this blog, well, the original authors may eventually be able to celebrate at Taco Bell every so often. We know how to party. Back to the point, though: don't split up. There is strength in numbers, as Papa Smurf wisely taught us so many years ago.

Original Tip #15 - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.

I wouldn't normally condone the shooting of children, but if they are looking at you with hungry, red-glowing eyes, that's not right. So keep the earlier tip about dispossessions in mind and step away slowly, bringing your weapon of choice to bear. And look at the bright side; you can use that college fund money for something else now. Like therapy.

Original Tip #14 - It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into or through rooms.

Don't lose your head just because there is a murdering demonic spirit beast in the house. There is cause for concern, yes, but if you panic now, death is guaranteed. Find a non-possessed companion to stick next to, head to the nearest exit, leave the deserted house/ island/ resort/ cabin/ campground/ planet/ behind and head to your local 24-hour grocery store. That's safe and normal. Have a Twinkie. Relax. You're alive, at least until the sequel.

Original Tip #13 - Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

Don't fall for it, people! It's the oldest trick in the Book of the Dead - pretend that you're no longer possessed, show just a glimmer of your poor pathetic human feelings and such, draw the unsuspecting victim in, and then feast on their soul, disembowel them casually, consume them, or otherwise make them dead, muerte, mort, finito, post vivo, past tense, terminated, target destroyed, demon chow, soul food, corpus carcass, hands-free axe-holder... you get the idea. Don't fall for it.

Original Tip #12 - If you've hidden from the maniac/ spirit/ demon/ creature (MSDC) and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place, for you are only further endangering yourself.

How many times have you watched a victim do just this? If you've found a good hiding place, keep it. If it's so hidden that it's hard to get the camera in there, then you might just survive the night. You may not know this, but MSDCs don't like to kill people off camera - (unless you've been edited for television) - they don't get to show off their craft that way.

Original Tip #11 - If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent and leave the area.

Children's dolls that suddenly smirk with a merry evil. Puppets that animate themselves and have their own agenda. Bouncy balls that roll by themselves. Mirrors that serve as dimensional doors. These things all have one thing in common - they're creepy. Creepy happens when items that are traditional icons of purity and happiness - or even normal, everyday objects - get suddenly and systematically twisted to a much darker purpose. Like Disney.

Original Tip #10 - If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away from them as possible.

The obvious reference here is Pet Sematary, which goes to prove that Herman Munster + Lieutenant Yar = Mediocre Movie. Just my opinion. "Gee, Scruffy isn't the same since he got run over and we had him resurrected using ancient and vaguely evil mojo." Hmm, that reminds me of someone else. If you want to make it to end of the movie, don't allow dear pets or family members to be resurrected. They will never come back the way you want them to be. Never. I mean, don't you remember reading The Monkey's Paw in high school?

Original Tip #9 - If tree's, TV's, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

Isn't that why people have multiple children? That way, you can lose a couple and still propagate the family genes. Of course, this tip is talking about Poltergeist. Say what you will about its lasting cinematic value, but I remember being freaked out as a kid - and isn't that why we like horror flicks? Speaking of Poltergeist, and more specifically the sequel (appropriately named Poltergeist II - The Other Side) - was anyone else creeped out and given horrific nightmares by the gaunt old preacher man? I'm still creeped out by this guy. Are you familiar with the Poltergeist curse? Seems like one of those times where the story behind the story is creepier than the story itself.

Original Tip #8 - Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

This sounds mortally dangerous, even if there weren't a maniacal axe-murdering demonic spirit lurking about. So unless you've been beaten with a Martha Stewart stick, by wandering about your basement with no light except the clicheed and doomed-to-fail flashlight, you can kiss your shins goodbye. And if you're in a horror movie, you'll join your shins soon enough in the ranks of the bloody dead.

Original Tip #7 - Don't look under the bed.

Try a little reverse-solipsism for once, and will the maniac/ spirit/ demon/ creature not to be under the bed simply by not-looking there. Has it ever been under the bed when you looked the first time any way? Of course not. It's waiting just off camera to pounce when you stand back up... Duh, haven't you characters ever watched a horror movie?! Sheesh...

Original Tip #6 - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

It's hard for me to feel honest while giving this tip, since I distinctly remember reading a summoning spell from the Necronomicon my sophomore year in college. But, Cthulhu never materialized, and I don't recall being in a horror flick at the time, so maybe the creature from the Void didn't hear me.... or did he?

Regardless, many a horror movie character has ignored this crucial advice, providing audiences with many scenes of bloody and possessive entertainment. Evil Dead I & II come to mind as my all time favorites that demonstrate the breaking of this rule. If you like Sam Raimi's splattery and humorous brand of horror, check out Deadites.net, billed as the official Evil Dead fan site.

Original Tip #5 - If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin spewing body fluids, it's time to move out.

As someone who works for a clinical-medical laboratory, I cringe at the obvious violations of bloodborne pathogens procedures that are exhibited in horror movies. Besides, even if you personally knew and trusted the owner of all that blood and goo, that doesn't mean you want to wear it on your face like clown makeup. However, they don't call them splatterfests for nothing, do they?

Original Tip #4 - If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, or people in the past have performed necrophilia in your house, move away immediately.

This little tidbit of information always seems to get glossed over or totally forgotten by the real estate agent hasty to make a commission. "Oh, just so you know, this used to be a cemetery site, and to save a buck or two, they moved the headstones, but left the bodies." Now how hard was that? Where did truth in advertising go...?

Original Tip #3 - When it appears that you have killed the maniac/ spirit/ demon/ creature (MSDC), DO NOT check to see if it is really dead.

So many poor, dumb horror movie fools have fallen victim to this gross error in judgment. Not that horror movie characters otherwise exhibit an excess of good judgment, but come on! Many of these doorknobs have no connection whatsoever to the MSDC, yet they feel compelled to leave the relative safety of their vehicles and get within grabbing distance to check? Maybe some people just need killin'...

Original Tip #2 - Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC (maniac/ spirit/ demon/ creature) in the house.

You could argue that these characters wouldn't bathe or shower if they knew the boogey-man were lurking about, but can't these people hear the creepy music playing in the background? I mean, don't they watch horror movies?

More seriously, there is an obvious titillation factor - scantily clad flesh, I mean - that draws us to these scenes, and when combined with the artistic/psychological layer of being unclothed (defenseless) it can make for a compelling scene on multiple levels, since we seem to bear a sick dread/fascination for the mutilation of naked, screaming eye-candy.

Original Tip #1 - If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

Seems pretty reasonable, even by horror-movie logic. Of course, people in horror movies are rarely logical, marginally reasonable, and never sensible.... it would make for a short movie. For the sake of other viewers, can anyone name a movie or two where the house is verbally inhospitable?

DRG

Welcome to Scream and Wink, horror movie fans! With a little time and effort, I will re-create the original horror movie character survival guide, in blog form, for your reading pleasure, and grow this site to allow discussion of those too-true words of wisdom that all horror movie characters should abide by to remain alive all the way through the end credits.

Email me with your suggestions - let's make this blog interactive. In the mean time, Keep screaming!

DRG